10 Things I'm glad that we didnt have growing up

      Nostalgia can be a hell of a drug and can sometimes lead to a delusional view of the "good ole days" While this kind of thinking can hinder growth and progress, its also important to realize the sociological impact that the things in our society have on us. I'm not saying I don't like some of these things, I'm just saying that I'm glad I got to experience part of my life without them. Here are a list of things i'm glad werent around when I was growing up.

  1. Reality TV

Some people think that entertainment and media is a reflection of a society's culture. Others believe that entertainment and media actually controls the direction of society's culture. Either way, the stuff that is mainstream will eventually define your generation. Whether it's Andy Griffith, The Brady Bunch or Seinfeld it is easy to distinguish the character traits of people that grew up watching these shows. With that being said I would much rather have my generation defined by Seinfeld, Friends, and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air than I would Honey Boo Boo, Dance Moms, and Jersey Shore. My generations' sitcoms may depict a very selfish individualistic society, but I will take that over the borderline retarded slobs that are stars on today's reality shows. I want my MTV and I want it with music videos, not reality shows.

2. Bounce Houses

For generations adults have been trying to figure out a way to create the ultimate hamster wheel for kids. First they tried the seesaw, then it was a carousel, but now they have found the most humane way to put kids in a cage in the form of a bounce house. This is the ultimate hamster wheel for kids. I have no problem with the bounce house per say, but more of a problem with how often they are used. Every event I go to I see kids in bounce houses. For the parents this is the great escape from kids that they don't know how to make behave in public. They throw kids into the bounce house like its some kind of miniature insane asylum. Is every memory your kid has going to be about jumping around in a bounce house? " remember that festival we took you to when you were 7 and you jumped in the bounce house for 2 hours" or "how about your 2nd grade birthday party where we invited your friends over and rented a bounce house?" You know what I remember about one of my birthday parties? punching each other in the face!

 

3. Online Gaming

 X-box live and other online gaming networks are awesomely addicting. It is so awesome that I'm glad they weren't available when I was growing up. I can't imagine what it would be like growing up with a network of friends that were all online playing these games. I may not have ever participated in sports at all. When you have this kind of entertainment at your finger tips it would really be hard to motivate yourself to spend hours in the sun playing pick-up basketball. This would have hurt my social skills so much that I probably wouldn't even know how to talk to a girl much less date one. What used to be a fun activity when it was dark or the weather was bad is now like a sport itself. The games are competitive and complex rather than fun. We had our own fun with video games when we were teens with split screen multiplayer and system link, but now the games are so much less personal. The youth of today will never know what its like to have a chair thrown at them for talking trash. sad world.

4. Flavored Vodka

If the machines of the future ever decide that I am the last hope for the human race they won't need to send a terminator back in time to eliminate me. They will only have to send a bottle of flavored vodka. As a responsible adult I can enjoy the pleasures of flavored vodka without becoming a drunkard. If I was in my prime drinking age I don't think I could accomplish this. Getting drunk as a youth was hard work. You had to drink the cheap stuff that was absolutely terrible. It wasn't nearly as hard to know when to stop because the dreadful burn of heaven hills vodka would limit your intake. If you wanted something that actually tasted good you had to drink Boon's Farm or Zima and those drinks weren't very strong and nobody wanted to live with that embarrassment. Today alcohol ambitious youth have the option to drink vodka that tastes like cotton candy. That's just dangerous. How this hasn't already killed an entire generation of teens and young adults is beyond my comprehension. Maybe they are still stuck in a bounce house or sitting in front of the TV playing X-box Live.

5. UFC

This may be a surprise to many considering I am one of the biggest mixed martial arts fans that I know, but I'm really glad it wasn't around when I was growing up. UFC was around in 1993, but it didn't explode into the mainstream until 2005. Mma is the pinnacle of mixing sports and violence and I would have hated to miss the other stuff that mma has replaced. If UFC would have been popular nobody would have cared about the great "Attitude" era of the WWF and the Monday Nitro vs Raw rating wars that brought out some amazing television entertainment. Nobody would have even noticed Roy Jones Jr's awesome boxing career. Nobody would go to the fairgrounds to watch the local tough man competition. Even my back yard boxing would have been lame in comparison to monthly cage fighting on pay per view. I'm glad UFC is here and mma is the fastest growing sport in the world, but I can appreciate the life before over saturated sports violence. And that's the bottom line cause somebody on a blog said so.

 

6. $3 gasoline

This is a no brainer. Nobody would trade $3 gasoline for $1 gasoline, but it would have been a lot harder when I was 16 than it is now. Do you remember how you found people before cell phones? you drove to all the places you think they might be. This was never much of a problem with $1.25 gasoline. My grandpa would give me $20 a week for gas and I would only use half! but triple that price and this would have become a major
problem.

7. The Duck Face

Remember that time people got so narcissistic taking cell phone selfies that they got tired of their own faces and started turning them inside out? Yea, that time is right about now. I remember a more simple time when girls smiled in pictures. I'm not really sure where we go from here, but don't just assume that the smile will return. The smile may have run it's course. If you look at those old black and white family photos nobody ever smiled. People may eventually start putting their entire fist in their mouths when they pose for pictures and with the way America's diet habits are they just might fit.

8. Facebook 

Many people wish this would go away right now, but Im pretty sure social networks are here to stay. I think the world is pretty fortunate that I didn't have access to such an arena of communication before I became an adult. I would really hate to look back and see what my courageously stupid younger self would have posted. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have many friends right now. Political correctness had not completely enslaved society yet so it would have been pretty uncensored. Not being constantly connected to a grid is also a good memory. When is the last time you met someone and then never heard from them again? Think about how crazy that is. We once lived in a world where people could be in relationships for years and then part from each other and never see or hear about that person ever again. That's almost impossible now. We are all connected and as long as you are on the network you will be connected for life. Glad I know what it was like before the control grid.

9. Portable DVD players for kids

"My kid can't stay focused or pay attention in school" Oh really? was it maybe because you threw their ass in front of a TV screen every time you got in a car? Kids do not need to be constantly entertained every second of the day. When kids cry, parents just put them in front of a TV to distract them instead teaching them them patience and self control. They need to learn to be still and be silent at appropriate times. This is lazy parenting and it's killing the ability of your kids to think and use their imagination. I'm not talking about a 2 hour road trip. I'm talking about a 15 minute drive to the grocery store. Give these kids a coloring book.  Even toys and gadgets are better than just mindlessly staring at a screen with no interaction. We are raising a generation of attention starved youth that have absolutely no creativity and this is part of the reason.

10. Twerking

 I really am at a loss for words on this particular subject. I'm not really sure where sexually provocative dance evolves from here. Twerking has come a long way from "I put my hand upon your I hip, when I dip you dip we dip" and I am a little scared to see what is around the corner.

 

7 Strange things about growing up in Fouke

             Somewhere between Middle Earth and Oz lies the mysterious realm of Fouke. A very misunderstood place of both fun and controversy. If the creators of South Park came out and publicly stated that Fouke was their inspiration, it wouldn't surprise anyone. I can recall many instances of strange happenings that I have encountered over the years growing up in Fouke and I could spend days dissecting some of the vast characters that inhabit the town, but for the sake of public consumption I will stick to some of the more known occurrences.

1. The Fouke Monster

 This is a given. The Fouke Monster or the "Legend of Boggy Creek" is without a doubt what Fouke is most known for. After the Southern Sasquatch made local headlines in the early 70's, Director Charles B. Pierce wasted no time in turning the story into a feature film that would take the legend all across the country. Big foot hunters from all from around the world  travel to Fouke in hopes of finding this elusive creature. Several books, reality tv shows and b-rated movies have also taken part in the legend. Fouke acknowledges this heritage with a local store called "Monster Mart" and an annual "Monster Day Festival". Despite these public displays I have always felt that the general public and surrounding areas like Texarkana really don't realize just how famous the monster is. I remember growing up it was not that big of a deal. The monster just seemed like a back-up mascot to the panther. We were the Fouke Panthers and I had never seen a panther in real life, so I felt pretty safe from a monster that had been talked about my entire life. It was only until I was older that I realized just how famous our 2nd mascot really was. When I tried to explain to people in New York City where I was from I would always start with Texarkana, but nobody knew about Texarkana. Every single person had heard about Fouke and the Legend of Boggy Creek.

 2. The Tony Alamo Cult: A new monster comes to town

If you were a notorious tax cheat who once made designer clothes for Michael Jackson, who also kept your wife's dead body for 6 months while trying to resurrect her and were the leader of a cult with followers world wide... where would you make your headquarters? Fouke of course! In the late 1990s after Tony Alamo was released from Federal prison he turned a once existing Fouke store into a compound where he and his followers would dwell. While the rest of the world was concerned about the Y2K bug, the Fouke Universe was worried about this new presence in the community. You would think a 15 acre anti-government cult compound with high tech security cameras and 24 hour security guards would seek a refuge in the depths of the mysterious Boggy Creek...but no...they set up shop right on highway 71 at the city line and stuck out like a sore thumb. They had without a doubt the most inviting store front and landscaping. Everyone has a story of driving down the dead end road that leads to the backside of the compound only to get followed by a security van with blacked out windows. It's also bizarre to note that the Superintendent's house was separated from the Alamo compound by a wooden fence. I remember several times getting on top of the Coach's/Superintendents house with friends (sorry Coach Smith) and looking in on the compound with binoculars only to see security cameras on the Alamo side looking back. There also seemed to be some kind of constant drama going on with the citizens and the Alamo group. Tony Alamo tried his best to fit in and gain acceptance. He built a park open to the city and even provided a portion of the city with generators during the dreaded ice storm of 2000. Despite his best efforts he was never able to shake his infamous reputation. Being featured on Oprah & Dr. Phil did not help his case. In 2008, close to 10 years since the the Alamo cult showed up, the compound was raided by the FBI and Alamo was charged with multiple charges of sexual abuse and child pornography. He was allegedly married to a 8 year old. I will never know if Tony Alamo was a cunning con man or if he was crazy enough to actually believe his own words, but considering his sexual convictions i'm leaning more towards the side of crazy. Either way "Remember the Alamo" will always have a completely different meaning in Fouke.

3. Fouke: The party Central

It is not rare for a under policed economically depressed small town to be home to a high percentage of alcoholics. This social condition can be found in many small towns all across America and the roots of such behavior can be traced back as far as prohibition or even further. In Fouke the major alcohol consumption was by underage drinkers. Fouke was more like a college town, without the college...and a lot more redneck. A keg party in Fouke was not a special occasion like most places, it was every single weekend. Fouke was a haven for underage drinking. Minors from other schools from all around the area would come to Fouke to party. Every small town where teens were starved for entertainment had their own drinking spots, but I  doubt they were as big and as consistent as Fouke. I documented and participated in the last few years of this partying era in the made for vcr movies known as "FoukeAholica" I rarely traveled to Texarkana on the weekends, because everyone knew the biggest parties were in Fouke. I think the roots of this trend were started when Louisiana became the only state that was able to sale alcohol to 18 year olds leaving Fouke teens 10 minutes away from legal alcohol possession. The Federal government passed a law forcing all states to make the minimum drinking age 21 in 1986, but there was a loophole in Louisiana that allowed for the sale to 18 year olds. This loophole was eventually closed in 1995, several years before my time, but the party culture in Fouke had already been entrenched in the community. I think today things have normalized and Fouke is just like every other school where teens just abuse prescription drugs instead.

4. The largest Flag Pole in Arkansas

Much like 9/11 everyone that was in Fouke school at the time remembers where they were when the State's largest flagpole fell down. For years Fouke School District was home to the largest flag pole in the state. Why? I'm not really sure, but I remember it being there for several years. Why this large display would not be somewhere more prominent I have no idea, but when it fell, it luckily missed several highly populated structures that could have caused irreparable damage and injury. The incident happened sometime around 1996 or1997. It was a very strange occurrence that would only happen in Fouke.

5. Fouke kids pick cotton on field trip

The school of Fouke took the "Field" trip a little bit too literal in the early elementary years. One of the first field trips I can remember was going to the Heigle farm and picking cotton. I'm not denying the educational value of the trip, I just think that it's really weird. We even took the unprocessed cotton back home with us in large trash bags. Maybe in a strange round about way this was a way of redeeming the fact that we were an all white school. "See we don't support slavery, our kids pick our cotton"

6.  6th Grade teacher brings bed of nails to school

I may be wrong, but it seems to me that the cliche science experiment around the 6th and 7th grade is most schools is the dissection of a frog. At Fouke you lay on a bed of nails. Again, I fully understand the educational value of weight distribution, but the fact that one of the teachers has a bed of nails and brings it to school every year is quite odd. Most people wouldn't deny that Fouke may be a little behind the times, but I never really thought we were as far back as the medieval times.

7. Fouke principal flies around in a Hot Air Balloon

 What comparison to Oz would be justifiable without having a principal of your high school flying around in a hot air balloon. Anytime there was a hot air balloon in the sky, there was little doubt on who was flying it. Mr. Hickey is no longer a Fouke resident, but if you are ever in the Hot Springs area be sure and look to the sky and you might just witness the wizard of Fouke flying high again.

When Fouke natives see other Fouke natives at places like Wal-Mart there is nod of acknowledgement even if the two have never spoken to each other before. There is a mutual respect much like holocaust survivors that former Fouke citizens have with one another. It's because we all know that Fouke is not your typical backwards southern redneck town. It is much stranger and unique than that. Many people are ashamed of the Fouke heritage, but I fully embrace the madness. Everywhere else just seems lame to me and despite what some people may think my public education has never made me feel inferior in college (except for math, core plus was a bad idea) If I had the choice to go back in time and choose one of the elite Texarkana schools, i would stay in Fouke....if nothing else for the strange entertainment and memories.

My advice to singles in the dating world....

           As a newly happily married man I feel that I owe it to society to reveal what little knowledge I posses about dating before the memories of living the single life fade off into oblivion. I'll be the first to admit that I never really had "game" and was never much of a charming womanizer. Those two skills take way too much effort and would stand in direct contradiction with my personality. What I do know is how to survive in the single world. The single world is a flaky unreliable place and if you are not careful can lead you down many frustrating paths that end in a colossal waste of time. My strategy for avoiding the pitfalls can be summed up in 3 words: "The Lunch Date."  Never go out with a person for the first time unless you have been on a lunch date first. The Lunch Date prerequisite advantages are vast and I examine them in the paragraphs below.

note: This advice is meant for working adults that are probably age 25 and older, not for partying teens or college kids in their early 20's that have a lot of social opportunities.

 

Advantages to the Lunch Date

• Don't risk your nights & weekends on a date that may be a disaster

If you have never had a woman "change plans" on you chances are you haven't dated many. Let's face the facts, most attractive women have options and if something comes up that she thinks is more enjoyable than plans with you she may leave you high and dry. Then there is always the chance that your date sucks and is not fun at all; either way you have wasted a night or weekend that you could be doing something else. If you get stood up or waste a lunch break, who cares? It's just lunch!

• It's a lot easier to entertain/impress someone for 45 minutes rather than 3 hours

It will only take you a few minutes into a date to realize that the ambient lighting at the Electric Cowboy was very deceiving and the bubbly blonde you thought was so interesting was just drunk. And lets not forgot the most modern example of false advertising; the five year old profile pic that looks quite different from the specimen in front of you. You shouldn't be condemned to spending the entire night with this person. Chances are you know within 10 minutes or less if you have any desire to see this person again. On the bright side, if you happen to be in a situation with a person that you do like you only have to make a good impression. I know I personally can't go three hours without doing something dumb or repulsive. That's why advertisers show movie trailers instead of behind the scenes.

• A timed lunch date prevents an awkward ending

A lunch date has a preset beginning and end. There is no mystery or option as to where the date will lead because you have to get back to work; therefore there's no pressure to extend the date. You don't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings. No pressure on the guy to end the date with an awkward kiss and no pressure on the woman to hang around longer than she wants to because the guy just spent $80 on dinner.

• A lunch date saves money

Lunch dates are like job interviews. A fancy dinner date is more like part of the job description once you get the job. This issue goes much deeper than just saving money. The restaurant you choose to take a dinner date will immediately be picked apart and examined. Does money spent equal how much you like them? Is this girl just using me for a free dinner? These questions are never explored in a lunch date because lunch dates are casual, inexpensive and you can tell much more about a person during a casual encounter which is the entire purpose of the first date.

• You can go on more dates and meet more people

A few of those boring 3 hour $80 dates and you could easily become jaded and uncomfortable in the dating world. When you go on a lunch date, your not really investing much so you really don't have much to lose. It's like speed dating in slow motion. I can honestly say that I've been on enough lunch dates to have went out with people I never seen again, met people who became friends and even made a wife out of one!

• You don't have to wait on women to get ready

Since the lunch date takes place in the middle of the day this will drastically reduce the waiting time that us males endure to accommodate the slower species. This also eliminates the date pick-up that can be quite time consuming. As a wise women once said "Ain't nobody got time fah that"

• Find out if someone is interested without over committing

If someone doesn't have time to spend their lunch with you, they aren't interested. No need in investing any more time or effort. If someone doesn't text you or message you after a lunch date...they aren't interested. The conversations you have after the lunch date will let you know where you stand. Its that simple.

• Lunch dates are always sober (or should be)

Most people aren't drunk by lunch so it's a good time to make a good assessment, which may be completely different from when you originally met this person if it was in the confines of an adult social setting.

                                                                  Conclusion


In the flaky world of shady ladies and outlaw gentlemen the lunch date is a dating loophole that nobody can defend. It allows the man to pursue without chasing. It gives a person a venue to show interest without investment. But most of all it minimalizes the pitfalls that discourage someone from meeting new people. My friend Weird Alfred said it best:

 

"Don't ask 'em for dinner or breakfast or brunch 'Cause girls, they wanna have lunch"